Death of an Ego
“That’s it! I’ve had enough. You must die.”
I remember clearly thinking these words as I wept in desperation. It was a constant battle going on in my mind about which direction my future should take. There are so many old stories circulating in my mind saying things like “you have to earn a lot of money in case something goes wrong”, “other people would kill for this opportunity – you’d be mad not to take it”, “what if you say no and then never get another consulting gig again?”
It was this endless dialogue that was playing out in my head that made me momentarily consider I might be going crazy. A while back I was blissfully enjoying my working life of academia and part time consulting. This gave me ample “me” time and also provided the challenge that I love in my work. Its this challenge that always undoes me. You see I was approached about another consulting opportunity. It was one of those messy change and leadership issue – my two favourite topics so I was hooked. The problem was that the client insisted it was nearly a full time gig and I could not fit all the roles into a week. My mind was trying to work out every scenario where I could do it all – be superhuman. But to what detriment? And an even better question – for what purpose?
My beautiful mind, and probably more correctly the ego (you know the one that does all that self-protection and preservation) was working on overtime. “Come on you can make it work, you’ve done it before” or “your scared of this challenge in case you fail” This mind chatter I now call the F words. Fear and Failure. They are my Achilles heel. The ego works hard to preserve you, it wants to protect you. It’s the one telling me to take the job just in case something happens and there is no more work. It’s the one saying to pursue these status statements but does not consider the consequences.
Ego makes you over-estimate your own abilities and worth, and under-estimate the effort and skill required to achieve your goals. I realised this and decided to take a stand. I might not be able actually kill my ego, but I can sure stop listening to it – particularly when it plays into my fears and failure. Not taking on the extra work was the best thing for me. It allowed me to get some overseas travel in before the world closed, something that I am genuinely grateful for as we have no idea when travel will be possible again.
One thing I find when coaching clients, it is much easier to see the ego at play when you are an observer. Asking the right questions to identify the ego speaking is a powerful tool that accelerates a client to break through this endless chatter. Being clear on your goals and life purpose is also another way to keep the ego in check.
If you are struggling with F words, or any areas that are limiting your potential please consider my Finding Your Way session/s (details can be found in programs tab on my website).